So I'm finally moved, and settled, and the new place is absolutely amazing. We decided it was definatly time to leave the old slum - the money being saved on rent just wasn't worth the suckyness of the place. Final straw came when the A/C went out AGAIN and it took 3 days in sweltering heat for it to be fixed. I'd been kind of nosing around the idea of getting a new place for awhile before that, and it definatly pushed us over the edge. The higher rent is going to make saving more difficult, especially given pretty much right after we moved, the company I work for shut down on Saturdays, whichs takes away 4 hours of overtime a week for me, but Jackal and I had already been talking about pushing back the move to CA another year to make sure Rabid_X and Otherpervert would move with us. We pretty much used up what we had saved between paying off my doctor bills and making the move, but its totally worth it to finally have someplace I like coming home to, and am willing to have people over at. 

One of my dearests has left for awhile - he needs to try and make a new life for himself, and I'm so proud of him for trying. If you read this, dearone, I'm keeping you in my thoughts and missing you horribly, but am so happy you are going for it.

Prep for Dragon*Con is pretty much done, now just comes the waiting and obsessive checking of the guest list LOL. There are some people on there I'm already super excited about. I've promised myself this year to make sure I catch more Voltaire shows and go to at least some of the science panels.

Next weekend Otherpervert is off to her 'rents for 4th of July weekend, so the rest of us are going to go watch the fireworks and see the Hulk movie. The when she gets back we have Batman and then Hellboy! Its a good summer at the movies to be a geek ^^ Went and saw an awsome one man play with Rabid last week, it was actually really nice for just the two of us to get out together again, and we're definatly going to try and do it more. Overall, things are pretty damned happy.

So wow things have been hectic....my manager at work has finally spawned after 31 hours of labor (dear gods, yet another mark in the "never gonna do it" column) and I'm the current "acting manager". What does this mean for me? Well, for starters, a swank $1 raise which I was pleasently suprised by, and at least one 12-hour day a week, in addition to taking work home. Needless to say, my paychecks are currently pretty swank, given Im working about 50-55 hours a week right now. I was really worried about the stress being too much, but it hasn't been bad actually...we've had crazy busy stressy days, but Im handling them well...at least I havent had a breakdown yet LOL

Just about everything is settled for the trip to Dragon*Con over Labor Day...the only thing still unsure of is if we are going to just rent a single big car rather than taking the two small cars we have done...Rabid is takin care of the car rental side of thing since Ive done the hotel side. I can't believe its only a little over 3 months away!

Working out has finally started back up...Jackal and I were both really really bad and backslide some, but we're back at it...I'm being motivated by cute clothes for Dragon, to be honest LOL...whatever works though, right?

The last month has been kinda full of worry and stress, but my reactions to things have really given me some insight to things usually boxed up. I won't say its anything super new, but its another step on a growing trend, and things long boxed up in a far corner have had a chance to get aired out some. Its so important to say the important things right away...don't wait, because there might not be a tomorrow. The right time to tell people you are glad they are around is any and every moment you think of it - there really is no wrong time for something like that.

Ive got a whole new stress coming up soon - doctors visits ugh. Im keeping my fingers crossed everything is still okay and I can go on my merry way for another 6 months!! 

 Wow its been awhile...but I'm still alive, promises ^^ I recently got an offline that reminded me there are people I don't speak to every day that read this thing LOL 

Heads been fucked as usual recently, so I'm focusing on other things...old games, new games, characters! I'm brimming with story lines and plots though, which is super exciting. I feel juiced for both of my games, which is nice...and shit shall hit the fan in them, oh my oh yes. *cackles gleefully* 

The times I've said I would try and poke at this thing more regularly I've failed, so we'll have to see if I manage to keep up with it again

We're all set to go to Dragon*Con again, the hotel is booked, time off has been requested, and tickets will be ordered next paycheck yay...for all its headaches and crowds and frustrations, its still the thing I look forward to most each year now. Plus that, its the time of year I get to bug someone special ^^

I'm totally gonna pack lighter this year than last though LOL. I seriously had about 4 outfits I never even wore last time, thought I'd want to get more dressed up than I did. Maybe I'm just getting too old to bother, or I'm just too lazy and don't have enough motivation ^^

*bounces* DCDCDCDC 

Wow...I logged in and the lj thingy said it had been six weeks since I updated this thing. I slack majorly. I guess I just haven't had anything of great import to put up here.

Life is good...and I keep making sure I tell myself that regularly. It really actually is though...I've got a good job, work with people I like, have amazing friends, and am rather comfortable. 

But lets face it...this is me...and something is missing.  I'm trying, I really really am, to not let it bother me, and alot of times it doesn't. At least not actively. Maybe one day I'll get over this aching need, but this wasn't the year for it. At least I've gotten it mostly under control though...so yay for me on that point. I don't think I'd be doing anywhere near as well if I didn't have Jackal. We may not be together in a lovey-dovey couply way, but we keep each other from being lonely. And really, if all I ever have is my weird kinda-twisted relationship with him, I know I am lucky. Because the sort of understanding and dynamic we have is something most people never get.

So my heads been in a weird space recently...well, for awhile. But really, lets face it, my head is almost always in a weird space. I'm just wired weird. Sometimes I wish I never went off of the anti-depressants. But thats only because sometimes I wish I didn't have to deal with my demons. I just want them to all go away sometimes. Instead I wrangle them, and do a pretty good job at it, I think. I just slip sometimes. Like today.

In other news...

There is no panic worse than hearing a loved-ones name mentioned with the words "hospital" "emergency surgery" and "toxic chemicals". Luckily, Rabid_X is a-okies after her emergency hand surgey, and it none of the nasty ink cleaning chemical she got in her hand made its way to her bloodstream. Don't ever do that to me again!!!

I've spent too much time in hospitals and around doctors year, between my stuff, ObserverBelow and now Rabid_X. I forbid any more!!! Take care of yourself my loves, all of you close and far away.

 I'm awful about keeping this thing updated...random sporadic posts, thats all ya get from me. 

I'm older again!!!

Got a couple spiffy pressies and a suprise cake at work, which was cool. I just wish I could shake the social conditioning that makes birthdays depress me in one way or another. Other than the teeny bit of depression that comes with yet another year passing though, Birfday was good. With it being on a Thursday, not much to really do anyway...but dinner was tasty, and there was cake and pressies, which really is pretty much what it should be.

On the plus side, the card from my grandmother contained no guilt-laden messages or anything, so that was a new development in our relationship LOL.

I keep thinking that I'll start updating this thing more...but it never happens. Usually when I get the urge to babble about something on here its because I'm wallowing or something....or, very rarely, because I'm super bored at work. Which actually hasn't happened in a long time, we've been crazy busy, but it exactly what is happening now ^^

Yay for finally actually having a day at work that isn't compeletly insane. Not to say that it won't be this afternoon, but for this morning at least, things are quiet. Hehe.

I think I'd be okay if I could just stop my brain for a little bit. The minute I stop having something to pay attention to, the stressing starts. I have bags under my eyes, and the bags have thier own bags. Sleep isn't coming so easily without medication, and when it shows up it is full of tossing and turning. Meh.

Outpatient surgery happens on the 13th, and once it is over with I'm sure things will go back to normal in my head. Until then though, I keep getting struck with bouts of anxiety, depression, and overall freaking out. My fear of doctors and hospitals is at an all time high, and I think I'm driving everyone around me to the brink of smacking me.

Bonus news is the diet is going well...easier than I expected, easier than it has ever been. Dropping all the soda hasn't been an issue at all, in fact I feel alot better not having all of it.  

As an aside...what is it with me being attracted to misanthropic loners. I really need a new type.

More doctor stuff. Appt is next Tuesday and I’m dreading it. Some of the same problems as before, plus an added bonus feature! Whee. I’m totally not stressed about the triglycerides crap. I know how to deal with that and it isn’t too bad at all.

*Throws a temper tantrum*

And the worst part is, I was all ready to go in there for my appointment, and I had to reschedule. Argh.

So needless to say, Imma fussy pixie. In fact, I'm more than fussy. I'm working my way to an absolute miserable mess of a mood over the last 2 days. Its actually made worse by the fact that work is deaddeaddead. I was hoping for a nice, easy day, but when there is absolutely nothing going on, it means my day lasts forever, PLUS it means I have time to dwell.

At least whatever is going on with my oldest friend seems to be almost done. There have been too many instances of bad things showing up in my dreams to make me completely comfortable with whatever is happening. And I honestly have no real clue about what is going on, which makes it even worse LOL. I'm just happy for him that it seems to be close to being over with. He doesn't like me to worry, but I do anyway...its a hazard of being on a very short list of people I care that much about.

Why is it that:

- I can’t fall asleep if someone is breathing in my face.
- Inevitably, I will make the wrong choice, but get through it.
- I still have to have a teddy bear if I want to sleep well.
- 12 years doesn’t make a difference on some things.
- I’m still afraid of my grandmother’s disapproval.
- When I’m alone for too long, I start getting scared.
- From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, I’m in motion. Hell is sitting still.
- My soul is set to music, and nothing has ever changed that.
- If there is an oven turned on, somehow I will manage to burn myself.
- So long as there is a storm in the sky, I’m going to be happy.

So, still alive. I'm posting to this thing less and less frequently it seems. I'll start thinking I'm going to post something, and start deciding what, and then I just lose intrest

Everything is still going pretty good. I have the same usual complaints as normal, but compared to alot of people, life rocks. Work is good, my friends are awsome, saving has started, hotel room for Dragon*Con is gotten, and things are good.

I miss one of my dearhearts though...haven't talked to him in a long time, and it is both of our faults. I've left him a message though, and we'll see from there.